Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
