He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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