if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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