mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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