I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
