i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
