Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
