R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Randomize
