Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
