I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
