My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
