my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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