That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
