My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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