my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize