He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
