I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
we're making bets on your personal life
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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