I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
