Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My dick has a subreddit
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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