That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
