I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
It's rum buckets o'clock
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
