Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
