I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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