In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
