lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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