so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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