Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
