you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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