If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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