Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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