got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
how do flat chested girls get laid?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
