omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
