My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
