I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
