I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Randomize
