On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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