he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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