I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
