my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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