so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
