Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
