And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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