now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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