im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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