he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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