watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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