alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
