My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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