...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize