And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
