i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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