There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
