Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
