so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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