youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I need to wash the frat house off of me
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
