Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
