no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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