Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
