Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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