she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
